I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
