Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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