Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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