I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
