four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize