i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
