I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
