Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
