my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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