1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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