he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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