my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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