you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
