I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
