My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
