my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
