I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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