So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
