I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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