I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
