If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
