i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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