The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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