i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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