the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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