Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
