I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
