Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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