i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
