i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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