Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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