dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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