dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i think i just lost a toe
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
