i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
