I think I won the penis lottery.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
