bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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