So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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