Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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