So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
