Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
