i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Alive.
So much puke
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
