i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
