She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
