Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
