Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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