Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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