Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
