dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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