How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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