i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
