help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
